From the beginning when someone asked me what I wanted in a relationship, I would always answer ” Someone breathing”.  However, over the years I have refined my answer. Now I say someone very wealthy ( yes, I know money can’t buy love but think of all the other things that it can buy). Then I add that he must have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. This leads to oops, gee I don’t know how he fell down all those stairs.

Oh course such a tragedy must be accompanied by very proper mourning. As we all know the best and most proper way to mourn is a trip to Europe. While in Europe it is only proper that you mourn by staying in the best hotel, preferably in the pent house suite. ( You know you need room and luxury to mourn properly ). Finally, as everyone knows, the best way to mourn is with new clothes. I mean really how can you mourn properly in old clothing? Buying new and very fashionable clothes should not present any problems while you are in Europe. This way when people see you walking down the street in that new Armani suit, they will say ” Look at that poor man in that beautiful new suit. He must be very deep in mourning”. Just remember to also save plenty of money and not spend it all on mourning. After all life goes on and there is no reason it should go on with you being poor.

Recently there has been an ads all over the place for a dating site “” . They have that catchy jingle ” You don’t have to be lonely at Farmers Only .com” Of course I would modify it just a bit to: ” You would have to be crazy to use Farmers Only .com”. I mean what gay guy wants to live in the country with all those slimy creepy crawly things? I do admit that there are slimy creepy crawly things in the city also but they are usually all people.