Do You Take This Man?

From the beginning when someone asked me what I wanted in a relationship, I would always answer ” Someone breathing”.  However, over the years I have refined my answer. Now I say someone very wealthy ( yes, I know money can’t buy love but think of all the other things that it can buy). Then I add that he must have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. This leads to oops, gee I don’t know how he fell down all those stairs.

Oh course such a tragedy must be accompanied by very proper mourning. As we all know the best and most proper way to mourn is a trip to Europe. While in Europe it is only proper that you mourn by staying in the best hotel, preferably in the pent house suite. ( You know you need room and luxury to mourn properly ). Finally, as everyone knows, the best way to mourn is with new clothes. I mean really how can you mourn properly in old clothing? Buying new and very fashionable clothes should not present any problems while you are in Europe. This way when people see you walking down the street in that new Armani suit, they will say ” Look at that poor man in that beautiful new suit. He must be very deep in mourning”. Just remember to also save plenty of money and not spend it all on mourning. After all life goes on and there is no reason it should go on with you being poor.

Recently there has been an ads all over the place for a dating site “Farmersonly.com” . They have that catchy jingle ” You don’t have to be lonely at Farmers Only .com” Of course I would modify it just a bit to: ” You would have to be crazy to use Farmers Only .com”. I mean what gay guy wants to live in the country with all those slimy creepy crawly things? I do admit that there are slimy creepy crawly things in the city also but they are usually all people.

Greek Time

Growing up I heard the phrase “running on Greek time ” very often and not in a good way.  You would hear ” No , they are not late . They are simply running on Greek time”. Or “Somehow we missed our flight at the airport. They just won’t adjust their flights for Greek time”. Yes, this even creeps into Church services. More than once I have heard people ask the Priest ” Why did you start services so early?” When the Priest would reply ” But I started them at 9:30 when they are supposed to start”. The reply back that he would get was usually ” Yes, but we come every week. Why can’t you wait for us to enter the Church before starting?” ( why indeed). One good thing about Greek time, I will be late for my own funeral!

My dad for some reason ran on the opposite of Greek time. If you didn’t arrive at an event at least 3 hours early, then you were running late. For example, when we would go to visit relatives in Salt Lake City, we would leave at 1AM. This way when are relatives were getting out of bed bright and early the very  first thing they would see at their front door was us. (Surprise!!). Or when we would go to the University of Colorado bowl games. We didn’t want to miss our flight so we would normally get to the airport at least 3 hours early ( yes even for the chartered flights). Of course the fun in this was being able to help the janitors clean the airport or when the shop owners arrived to open their stores we were also there to help them with that.

Odd Things

On my drive to work, I pass Fairmont Cemetery. This last Friday there was a big banner hanging on one of the fences. In nice bold letters was printed ” Tonight is movie night. Bring your family and friends”. Now I have seen where theaters and other places have a family movie night, but a cemetery?  I mean what is the main feature ” Night of the Living Dead”? Do they invite “special” guests?

I passed a Church that had  a sign that read ” God will be having a reunion. Will you be there”? I have never been that crazy about reunions. Family reunions can be very awkward because there are always a few weird relatives that you always feel that you must be nice to. ( Example : cousin Nicole the Feta cheese heiress – awkward with a capital A!!).

Then there is the Republican radio ad. It starts out with a soft spoken woman saying ” There are people out there who believe in racial equality, in choice for women, in marriage equality, and in free education for college so that when your child graduates they are not in debt”.  Who are these people? – Republicans”. Is this a joke? Apparently the people behind this ad didn’t bother to watch the last Republican debate. Was this made as a joke to make people laugh? I guess that one of the major draw backs of free speech is that it does allow people to lie. This ad is a whopper!!

Finally there is the restaurant with the big banner that reads. “Biggest and best selection all you can eat brunch in Metro Denver”! Then in much smaller letters underneath it reads ” Limit one serving per customer”.

Who will Fix This Car?

When I was learning to drive, my dad decided to also teach me how to fix a car. I think we both knew that this was a doomed effort but it must be said that he did try. Even now I can remember his calm words of encouragement ” The oil doesn’t go in there!! Why did you put the windshield cleaner in the gas tank?”!!

Now, in my defense, realistically what gay guy works on cars? I mean you have grease and oil – bleah! On the other hand, ask me to set a table for a formal dinner – perfection! Besides, what gay guy with any brains doesn’t have a lesbian best friend that loves to work on cars? This is what nature intended. Why mess with the natural order of the world?

Plus , why do mechanics have to use such strange language? The other day I needed to have my muffler fixed ( Yes, I do know where the muffler is located). The mechanic started telling me all about rods and bolts and manifolds and something being unhinged. I became unhinged just listening to what he was saying. Why not use plain English? All he had to do was just tell me that the one thing a ma jig had gotten disconnected from the other thing a ma jig. Now those are words that normal people understand. Apparently he was very successful in fixing my thing a ma jig, because my car is running great now.

So, You Want To Work in A Pot Shop

Now, first let me be perfectly clear about one thing. I am not advocating for anyone to change careers and go to work in the pot industry. However, I must say that currently pot shops are Colorado’s fastest growing business and they have helped thousands of Coloradans find jobs. Besides, wouldn’t it be better to work in a pot shop than to have someone tell you that you look like you’ve gone to pot?

First, you must use correct language. These are not pot shops. They are Marijuana dispensaries. We have several varieties. There are the ones that sell for medicinal purposes ( these have been around for several years now ). Then you have the recreational usage shops and finally shops that sell both. Also, not just any ordinary Joe can work in these places. ( Of course I consider myself to be an extraordinary Joe ). University of Colorado and several other colleges have now developed majors in Marijuana cultivation. In a few years you may need a masters degree just to work in one of these places.

You have to pass a background and credit check plus most important of all the drug test.  Plus the industry is more than just selling pot. Grads from the top agricultural schools are getting very good paying jobs. So are programmers, attorneys, security system installation specialists, designers, chemists, biologists and  lab technicians. Yes, Colorado may have gone to pot but to the tune of over 60 million in the first year. ( all going to the schools ). Who knows one day I may even become Colorado’s very own pot king. ( better be very nice to me ).

Greece

I may have come upon a solution to the terrible situation with Greece. First the US needs to close all its bases in Germany and take all that money that would be spent there and give it to Greece. For some reason the Germans get pleasure out of hurting groups of people every few decades. Then the US should make Greece a protectorate like Puerto Rico, Guam  etc. We could wake up each morning to Yasou America ( a program that would feature Greek doctors that would dictate to Americans on how to live healthier lives).

Think of it millions of left leaning Greeks voting in US elections ( these are Bernie Sanders type of folks). Probably the Republicans would vigorously object to these ideas. After all many right wing Evangelical Christians don’t believe that Orthodox Christians are real Christians. Remember when Pat Robertson sent missionaries to Greece and Russia to convert the heathens to “Christianity” ? Or how he was so pissed when the missionaries got “lost” in the Greek mountains and the Greek government refused to go looking for them?

Now in all fairness to the Greek government, they did warn Robertson that his people would not be well received and especially to not tell the yiayias and papous in those Greek mountains that they were worshiping God improperly. So a few folks disappeared ( taste this new yummy Greek stew – with enough Ouzo nothing tastes bad ). I will write my congressman and see what he thinks of my ideas. What could possibly go wrong?

Iran

While I supported President Obama’s Iran treaty politically, it also affected me in another way. Three weeks ago I started working for an Iranian doctor. All I could think of was if the treaty isn’t successful, could I become the first hostage on American soil.  The doctor is a very nice man but with politics you never know.  In a way working in his clinic is a lot like volunteering for the Church. Farsi is spoken by many of the workers there. So you have a group of people speaking very rapidly in a foreign tongue. ( At Church it is Greek).

It is a shame because at one time I spoke Spanish and Greek. Now I struggle with English. One of these days soon , all I will be able to do is nod my head and smile when I am communicating with other people.

The doctor had to be re-certified as a physician when he emigrated here with his family. Now he owns a three story office building. His walk in clinic is on the first floor. On the second floor is his wife’s Home Health Care office on one side and the administrative business offices on the other side. On the third floor is a Mosque. Attached at the back of the building is one of the chain store pot shops called “Altitude”. (Think of how much fun breaks can be).

What attracted me to this particular doctor is that he will only accept medicare and medicaid. He says in the long run it all evens out and he still manages to support his family. Now things will be okay as long as the Republican congress doesn’t defeat this treaty. If they do my family will have to start a free the hostage page on face book. ( Please give generously!! ).

The Pot Shop

In one of my recent blogs, I mentioned selling marijuana in Colorado. Pot shops are opening up at a rapid pace. Most are painted green and have names like Altitude ( This is actually a chain of shops around the Metro Denver area ), All Time High and Friends of Mary Jane. These shops much like liquor stores and bars run the gamut from very plush to down right dives. Some sell recreational pot, some medical pot ( with bright red crosses painted on the buildings ), and some sell both.

The minute you enter one of these shops, you are greeted by a cop and asked to show your ID. This is one of my favorite things about the pot shops – everyone is carded. Instead of being asked ” Would you like the senior discount? “, you are asked ” May I see your ID?”. You also notice that everyone working in these shops is very friendly and is always smiling. After spending some time in a shop, you understand why. Much like second hand smoke, there is that distinct aroma. Most customers also leave with smiles on their faces.

There are literally hundreds of job openings because so many shops are opening up around town. The requirements are fairly simple : 1.) You must pass a background check 2.) You must pass a credit check and finally 3.) ( the most important ) You must pay a $150.00 fee for your marijuana badge ( This makes you official and must be renewed every year at the same rate ). Also, the many benefits have been, reduced drug crime rate, millions of more dollars for the public schools ( taxes go to the schools ) , and a much happier and friendly state citizenship. Denver has always been called the Mile High City and now it is so true.

Paraklesis

On Wednesdays, I try to attend the Paraklesis service held at the Metropolis Center by the Cathedral. It is at 5PM and is usually attended by between 20 – 30 people. They are mainly ancient and mostly women. This past Wednesday the storm clouds had rolled in and when I arrived there were only four women there. As soon as I got in the door the storm broke loose. Rain and hail came down nonstop.

One of the women threw up her arms and started to scream ” This is the end. God is angry. We are doomed”. I wanted to tell her that it must be just her he was mad at because God and I are getting along just fine. Then a second woman started to scream ” My new car will be ruined by the hail. Why would God destroy my car?” . I noticed her car was a Toyota. Perhaps God is more of a Ford type guy. A third woman started to scream ” I just planted my garden. My tomatoes will be destroyed. What will I do?”. ( Buy more tomatoes and plant them?). The fourth woman remained surprisingly  quiet.

The Bishop arrived and had us enter the Chapel to begin the service. He started out by saying ” Let us say a special prayer for those of us who may have family and friends driving in this storm. Let us pray that they arrive home safely”. That’s all it took for the fourth woman to stand up and shout ” My Children are driving in this storm. I will never see them again. May God protect them”. I bet the Bishop never starts another service using those words. While all this was going on all I could think of was ” Oh great , my last day on Earth and I get to spend it with these four hysterical, ancient Greek women”. Don’t tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Rocky Mountain High

I wonder if John Denver ever dreamed that Colorado would legalize Marijuana when he wrote that song back in the 70’s? One thing is for sure pot was a lot cheaper back in the day. When I was a student at the University of Colorado in Boulder, all you had to do was attend a party anywhere on campus and someone would be passing around a joint for you to toke on ( no charge ).  During football games there was a low hanging cloud over the student section in the football stadium. Win or lose the students always left the games happy. And the joints were passed around – no charge.

When I graduated from CU and got a job working for the state government in downtown Denver, it was just accepted that at the monthly pot luck someone would bring “special” brownies ( and they were free ).

Today things have changed. Medical and recreational pot shops are opening up at the speed of light. You can literally get high just driving down Colfax. The buildings are painted green so you know what they are and they have very creative names: “Friends of Mary Jane” “A Mile High” or “Altitude” are a few of the names.

During one of our Greek Festival meetings someone suggested that the Cathedral could grow pot on the vacant land next to it since it is now legal. Then we could package it in a wrapper with a Greek flag on it a a quote saying ” Get high on God”. For some reason the Priest was not amused.

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